Pair of socks safer than pair of pandas - AsiaOne
By Neil Humphreys
The New Paper
SINGAPORE - Singapore is taking one hell of a gamble with those giant pandas.
China is letting us look after the animals for 10 years to forge closer ties, but we should have gone for something safer than a pair of giant pandas.
Like a pair of socks.
We'd be more comfortable with a pair of socks. Just stick them in a drawer for a decade and we'd all be fine.
But you can't shove giant pandas in a drawer. Where would you put your underwear?
And even if you could, there would be so many bamboo poles lying around, neighbours wouldn't be sure if you were looking after pandas or had a really big pile of laundry to dry.
And the great thing about socks is they're interchangeable. Lose a sock, replace it with one that's almost the same colour and say it was left out in the sun.
Xi Lan celebrates his 4th birthday at Zoo Atlanta, on August 30
But if Wildlife Reserves Singapore loses one of the pandas in its upcoming attraction River Safari, staff cannot fall back on the sock routine.
If they pop next door to the zoo, borrow a sun bear and whip out a tin of whitewash, someone in China is bound to notice, particularly if the fake panda suddenly goes off bamboo and starts demanding small vertebrates for breakfast.
(And those who believe that it's impossible to mislay a giant panda, my father-in-law once lost a five-door sedan. It was several days before he realised that the car had been stolen.)
So the news this week that Kai Kai and Jia Jia will arrive next month to take up Singaporean residency is worrying.
Although not half as worrying as my initial misreading of the report that the giant pandas were flying over on Singapore Airlines. For a warped moment, I thought they were being sedated and given seats in the first-class cabin.
Any economy passengers passing through the aisle would just assume a first-class traveller had done really, really well in getting the ball in the bucket in one of those theme park side stalls.
(Well, they would until the world's biggest plush toy woke up and started eating all the green straws on the flight.)
Of course, the giant pandas are coming over on a cargo flight, but the risk is still there because Singapore is breaking that unwritten rule - never look after someone else's pets.
Yes, technically speaking, the giant pandas are not pets. HDB would never allow them in a three-room flat.
But taking on another person's animal is stepping into uncharted territory. Every species is different. The animal-sitter faces so many unanswered questions.
If it's a hamster, for instance, are you allowed to drop it down the toilet to see how it swims? Can you squeeze it inside a cardboard toilet roll, squirt ketchup along the top and pretend it's a hot dog?
They are all legitimate questions that I asked my wife when she told me many years ago that we were looking after a hamster.
As a teacher, she had a classroom hamster that children were allowed to take home on weekends to learn about taking responsibility for others.
But on this particular weekend, a pesky kid dropped out, so my wife had to step in.
Naturally, I lost the hamster. I still blame the plastic ball.
If you've ever owned a hamster, you'll know what I'm talking about. If you haven't, the contraption is the creation of a sick, twisted mind who thought it'd be hilarious to confuse a hamster by shoving it in a plastic ball, allowing the poor chap to think it's won its freedom only for it to whack its head against a curved wall of plastic wherever it goes.
And the best - and truly funniest - part was if the hamster ran too fast inside the plastic ball and then stopped abruptly, the momentum of the still-moving ball would make the startled mammal perform a magnificent back flip, with his backside landing between his ears.
On that Sunday morning, I failed to close the lid of the ball properly.
The hamster saw its chance and bolted for freedom, presumably shouting: "That's the last time you laugh at my backside-over-my-ears thing, you evil b******".
There were tears. There were frantic searches and constant threats of divorce.
Finally, we found the hamster cowering under an ironing board.
So there's always a risk when you take on the responsibility of someone else's animals and I sincerely wish Wildlife Reserves Singapore the best of luck with Kai Kai and Jia Jia.
Check all doors and gates every night and try not to leave them under an ironing board.
As for our furry friend, my relieved wife returned him to her classroom the following day, the children were none the wiser and about a month or so later, the hamster was eaten by a snake.
My wife was not pleased.
But then, the hamster wasn't too happy about it either.
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